I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
