Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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