so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
