if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
