he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
