I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
