My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
