Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
