He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As shirtless as possible
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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