...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
