it's too hot outside to masturbate.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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