I'm so fucking centered right now
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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