I wish my penis had an off switch
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
