How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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