I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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