I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
