based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
