i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
