when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
