I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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