We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
