Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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