i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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