just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
why do cheetos always look like penises
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
