somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize