i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
