You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Randomize
