I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
