Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
