Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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