All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
