I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
