I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
