Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
