Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I believe in your delicious
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
