Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
