The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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