Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
