So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
