I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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