I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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