apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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