I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
