Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
