In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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