There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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