At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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