Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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