i may or may not be watching the land before time
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
