life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize