Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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