I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My life is pants optional.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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