So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
