when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
